Today’s Parent: This Is My Journey
When First Response asked me to share my story about starting a family, I was hesitant. My family’s journey involves emotional ups and down, scary, painful moments and lots of tears. But after discussing it with my husband, we decided that our story should be told. For every woman embarking on a similar journey to motherhood, know that your story is unlike anyone else’s and there are other moms, moms-to-be and a mountain of resources to support you along the way. In my video, you will hear about the long struggle my husband I went through to have our first son, how quickly the second baby was conceived and the emotional roller coaster that we’ve been on throughout pregnancy number two. I am proud to be a part of This Is My Journey, a video series in partnership with Today’s Parents about real women and real families trying to conceive.
Visit www.todaysparent.com/hub/how-to-get-pregnant/ to watch real women’s trying to conceive and pregnancy stories
One of the hardest things I found was keeping the magic alive while trying to make a baby.
I had dreams of how it would all go: We’d get married, we’d embark on a beautiful honeymoon, we’d get pregnant and then we’d live happily ever after in blissdom. I imagined every moment with my dream family filled with magic, a smiling sigh and unbridled optimism. (Clearly I had watched too many Disney movies as a child).
So after marrying the love of my life, (who is also Husband Of The Year: 4 years running), it only made sense to have blushing bride swiftly followed by bouncing baby. Only when months go by and said baby is no closer to arrival, the smiling sigh that was meant to carry me to motherhood on a breath has turned to a frown that pushed me into something much darker. We decided to have fun with the process and just hope for the best. After awhile, it seemed that our fun was only that, so I made the decision to start using period tracking apps and thermometers. We also used First Response ovulation tests, which would detect my LH (luteinizing hormone) surge based on my own individual hormone levels to take the guesswork out of the best time to conceive, in an attempt to make our ‘fun’ somewhat productive. But even after months of using these tools, it was apparent that my hormones were not cooperating and our ‘fun’ was still futile and consequently, a lot less fun. I remember laying out a weekly schedule of what our week of ‘trying’ would look like and both of us sighed with despair. The pleasure and enjoyment of trying to make a baby was slipping away leaving us feeling deflated and hurt.
As months went by, I watched friends get pregnant, have babies- It felt like birth announcements were slapping me in face whenever I opened a social media feed. I began to feel like less of a woman. How could I be a woman of I couldn’t do the one thing a woman was meant to do? How could I be a good wife if I couldn’t give my husband children? What was the point of me existing if I couldn’t be a part of the next generation? I felt like a failure and the failure began to seep into every area of my life. Seeing my friends was painful, seeing my family hurt, even looking my husband in the eye, I felt shame.
It was somewhere in this darkness that I wanted to give up ‘trying.’ Every time felt like another missed opportunity and my fruitless body embarrassed me. My husband continually promised me that it was all going to be okay and that it didn’t change how much he loved me, but I could see the growing concern in his eyes every month that went by.
As I mentioned in my video, we started working with Dr. Wu, a highly recommended OBGYN who tested me, monitored my cycles and created a very personal program that would end in conception. His assurance that this would all result in the baby we had dreamed of renewed my excitement that had slipped away in the past year. I felt optimistic and hopeful as he laid out medication days, monitoring days and of course, ‘trying’ days.
Those days became fun again. It no longer felt like we were trudging along an empty road but enjoying a new golden road and the possibilities ahead under a new, promising light.
Then came that morning- the culmination of many emotionally strained, painful months. Straight off the back of a work trip to Belize, I ran to the local drug store and picked up seven First Response Early pregnancy tests (they would give me results six days sooner) with cautious optimism. I could feel my confidence growing with every test that I scanned through the register and by the time I returned home, I was giddy with anticipation. I peed on the stick, and my husband and I waited the obligatory three minutes, baited breath, hands clenched, tears brimming but not yet falling, to see our fate on a stick.
Those two pink lines were the most exhilarating things we had ever seen. It was our magic, our smiling sigh, the joy, the past years of pain and unmet expectations were immediately gone. The tears fell, joy of course.
Nine months later, we named the magic Charlie.
Every journey to conception and through pregnancy is unique whether it is our first baby or our fifth. Do you have a unique pregnancy journey that you’d like to share? Tag #ThisisMyJourney to participate in the conversation